LOVE BEYOND FEAR
“You are the revelation
You are trust in its real meaning
My heart, my knowledge, my body’s sensations, my spirit’s bendictions.
Those are the real things.
They encourage my love beyond fear.
Trust in forgiveness, bury the hatchet, the separation so you may walk in beauty under the shining star.
The mother of the seventh lunar cycle clan, I love all things, we learn to honour all of the body’s senses and spirit as well. This way, we can bridge the gap between heaven and earth in our own body. When heaven (our spiritual nature) and the earth (our physical nature) live in harmony and are the senses of this harmony, we can see the entire creation as an occasion to learn and grow.
The bridge of forgiveness in the deepness of self-imposed separation relieves the pain from our injuries. Then mother earth welcomes us and shows us the path of healing to us all.”

These are messages I got when I met Jorge and he had me ask the book of ayahuasca what it had to say to me. He is the ascendant of the primary chief in charge of healing in Ecuador. As I sat with him, he spoke Spanish and as much as I didn’t know what words he spoke I could feel his message. Lucy (a wonderful gal I met along my travels) knew a little bit of Spanish and translated a couple things for me. As we were about to leave I tried to kill a mosquito and he told me to send them love and they will leave me alone. That’s when I knew I wanted to learn more from him and his tribe.

They were having a sweat lodge and vision quest in the mountains in a couple of days and invited us to join. After we left I talked to Lucy about it and said I would sleep on it as I wasn’t sure about what I would be getting into if I went. I knew they were doing ayahuasca and I wasn’t sure I wanted to partake as I had already done San Pedro in Peru (an alternate version of it) and it was incredibly intense, so much so that my friend Corey went home afterwards. In the end I thought I would go, if anything to witness it all and learn more about the traditional practice and healing methods they use.

I went with a local doctor and another guest of the hotel I was staying at. We got there and sat around in a circle waiting for the others to arrive. People came from all over the country to be a part of this ceremony. While we waited I thought about leaving a thousand times. I was so out of my element and was fearful of what might happen. Then the ceremony began.

The shamans spoke to the group about the intention of the ceremony.  After that, we received a ball of Tobacco and were told to throw it into the fire with our own intentions for the evening. What did we want to learn from ayahuasca? I told the fire that I wanted to release my fear around love and that I also wanted to raise the vibration of the planet. I asked her to show me or tell me how I could do that.

Then it all began. A shaman with no hands came around and put tobacco water up everyone’s nose…by putting it in his mouth first and then spitting it into your nose. I was the last one to receive it and asked (or more rather pleaded) that I skip that part. He went ahead and did it anyway. I instantly felt like I wanted to vomit. The other participants were also reacting the same way. They gave us vomit bags before this all began and most were already in service.

We patiently listened to a long speech by Jorge (the primary shaman) in between the struggles the group was having with the tobacco that found its way into areas the body wasn’t fond of. This followed by the administration of the ayahuasca. By now I was thinking of running deep into the woods and hiding out for the night since I had no where else to go, but instead I convinced myself and my ego that this is going to be an incredible experience. That I needed to see what she had to say about fear and how I can help humanity! There is a big part of me that wishes I would have ran away considering what came next.

Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. 20 people involuntarily giving a plastic bag everything their stomachs could force out.

Everyone was releasing the ayahuasca in a volatile way. Grown men were rolling around on the ground moaning. I held my composure thinking- “I’m not going to vomit. I feel ok.”

Meanwhile Sean, my fellow roomie from the hotel was sweating profusely and in the fetal position on the cement moaning. The Dr was also in the same position. Then, I started to see green lights shooting into the fire like a video game. After that came the most incredible visions I have ever been witness to.

They call it the spirit molecule due to the DMT in it and how it illumiates the third eye. This spirit molecule is what gets secreted when you are born and when you die. They say that you deal with the ego and release what holds you back from being in your heart. There is the death of the ‘old you’ and a rebirth of the ‘new you’.

The first few hours were about birth for me. I felt like I could see heaven. I felt an incredible amount of love. I can’t even begin to try and explain the incredible images I saw. The beauty was overwhelming and the messages started coming. One of them was “everything is what you make of it”. I thought about the depth of that statement for what felt like ages. Then I started to go through my whole life. I saw the faces of everyone important to me and some I haven’t even met yet. I could tell I was clearing things up within these relationships, all done without words, just feelings and visions. Then it got dark. The images were scary and ‘hellish’. The shaman beside me was getting a dance of release (it’s something they do if they see darkness in your energy field). The leaves they were shaking all over him coupled with the chanting was enough to make me projectile vomit…over and over…and over again.

At this point it’s been about 5 hours and all I want is to feel normal again. I’m wondering when it is going to end. Wishing and hoping for reality. I felt like I was in an episode of True Blood. I kept telling myself that it is what it is and to breathe through it.

The rest of the group continued to do a sweat lodge to further their visions and cleanse. I couldn’t fathom that and stuck to my cement seat and dirt floor. I tried to sleep but with the senses being on overload there was no chance of that happening.

The sun came up and the hours passed. As if a lifetime had passed me by, I finally reached my hotel room and continued to wait out the high. I slowly began to connect with reality all the while swearing to myself that I will never do something like that again.

It’s now been 4 days and as much as I reflect on all of it, here is what I take away from it (at least for now). There is value, I can see where the researchers want to continue discovering the benefits of ayahuasca. This ancient healing method has merit and continues to heal many people. Do I think it is a dangerous, volatile way to reach a spiritual connection to self and source? Abso-freaking-lootly.

I will gracefully say goodbye to South America’s traditional way of healing and end my personal discovery with the plant medicine these shamans use. I will start my search once again with the land of plant medicine that looks more like turmeric and ginger. I’m going I see if I can meditate my way to the same spiritual high! Ayurvedic medicine is calling my name. Anyone care to join me?